Monday, October 24, 2011

Trying to Understand....

I've always been a faithful person - to God, to my family, to my friends, etc. I've been tested before, but I feel like it's getting harder and harder everyday to understand my life.

Looking at me, most people see this happy, go-lucky, always smiling person. I am very blessed. I have an awesome family, a good job, and an amazing husband. God has truly provided me with everything I need. But deep down, I'm not sure where that girl is anymore. Why is it so hard to understand why He hasn't provided me with the one thing I want/need?

My faith is unshakable, except when it comes to a baby. Why is it so hard to believe that God is preparing us for our baby and preparing our baby for us when others are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat? Why is it fair that I have to teach 3 students (sophomores) who will all be mothers by the end of the year? How am I not ready for motherhood and these girls are?

It's really tough hearing people say 'O, its going to happen', 'Don't stress', 'Be patient'. There's that word again - patience. Trust me, I have patience. I teach 105 sophomores a day, coach my JV vball team, and deal with the school system in general. I been teaching for 4 years, and my patience is tried more and more every year and I haven't really lost it yet.

But when it comes to this baby, I am the most impatient person. It's really hard to stay patient when there's something you really want. Remember when you were a child waiting on Santa at Christmas, well, that's me now except multiply that by 1000 - then you may understand how I feel about having a baby.

A wise friend once told me that God would not have put this urge in my life to be a mother, if I wasn't going to be a mother. I believe that just like I believe that God will provide me with that opportunity. I'm just wondering when that time will come. The little doubt that I have makes me feel less of a Christian which makes me feel less about myself more than I already do. God is faithful to those that are faithful to him. I am on a journey to be more faithful and more patient.

I hope this is one of many blogs that I will post over the next few months describing my journey of becoming a better woman, a better Christian, and hopefully a better mother. One thing I must get better at doing is just being content with what I have - wonderful husband, family, & friends. I'm lucky to still have my job even though it seems more of a burden most days. I look for any help and guidance anyone has in any of those departments.

This is the first day of my journey of trying to understand everything I have, need, and want.