I’ve said from the very beginning, I think the ‘infertility’ & ‘infertile’ labels are very unfair. I believe that people who have absolutely no chance of having children should be called infertile, not someone who has been trying to have a baby for more than 6 months. The ‘infertility’ label is a hard pill to swallow and the stigma that goes with that is even harder to shake. You walk into every doctor appointment feeling like you have a gigantic sign across your uterus that says ‘I’m still not pregnant. I am not woman enough to get pregnant on my own with my husband’ The thought of never conceiving after being poked & prodded so much each appointment, not to mention the very expensive cost, almost made the journey too much to bear. The thoughts in your head alone can cause you to literally go crazy then add drugs to that mix, and you feel like you should be committed to the looney bin. But for me, it all changed after a break, that I didn’t feel like necessarily taking, and as people say ‘the rest is history’.
I started seeing a specialist in February 2013. As soon as I walked into her office, I knew I was in the right hands & felt at ease. However, we decided to actually take a break from all the drugs & appointments and let my body ‘flush’ out the ‘toxins’. We didn’t go back to the specialist until August. We were also planning the trip of our lives for the summer - Germany - and knew we would have to watch our money since each specialist appointment was $200. That break was just what we needed!
Long story short, here is how our IUI procedures went after going back in August:
IUI #1 - August 2013 - FAILED
IUI #2 - September 2013 - FAILED
The following month, October, my doctor increased my Femara dosage once again & I started to take other natural supplements. I went in for the usual sonograms on my eggs, and I had two eggs grow to be big enough to have IUI #3. However, I had already ovulated on my own so we could not do the procedure. I went home & we prayed like crazy in addition to our regular prayers. Two weeks later, we debated most of the night whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test since we didn’t hear back with our blood results. We were just so used to being let down that we didn’t want to face a ‘frowny face’ test. So after taking the home test, we finally got our answer: WE WERE PREGNANT! OUR FIRST POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST EVER!
|Our first BFP EVER!|
Three weeks of weekly blood tests & all levels were wonderful! In fact, one of our levels was consistently on the higher end of normal. This could indicate multiples, but we just didn’t think we could get that lucky. We already felt super blessed just to be pregnant! Our first sonogram was on Dec 2. We were both so happy to ‘see’ our baby! She confirmed the pregnancy but we were SHOCKED when she told us we were expecting TWINS! We were in tears of the wonderful news. I truly do not remember much of the appointment because I was crying so much (happy tears of course!) We just went through 1229 days of ‘trying’ and being labelled ‘infertile’ just to be told we were pregnant with TWO BABIES! Their heartbeats were the most wonderful sound to our ears!!!!!
|The Twins' first true portraits around 10.5 weeks|
This was now the HARDEST secret to keep. Only a handful of people even knew we were pregnant but we kept the twins thing a secret until Christmas Eve when we told our families. THREE WHOLE WEEKS!!!! It was such a sweet & surreal surprise for everyone at Christmas - truly a Christmas miracle! I still do not believe that it has hit me that there are two babies in there even though I’ve seen them both & heard both of their little heartbeats! Cannot seem to get the Christmas videos revealing the pregnancy to show up. Once I can figure that out, I will upload ASAP.
|The official announcement!|
Although it was a tough journey, sometimes it even felt impossible, our wonderful news has helped us forget that feeling of desperation & grief and has given us hope for the future. We have 4.5 short months until our precious babies arrive, and we are taking it all in - good & bad. I’m thankful for the sickness, the heart burn, the awful headaches, the exhaustion, the increased trips to the bathroom, and the restless sleep. There were many nights I prayed to God and told him I will never complain once I get pregnant. I’m trying my best to keep it that way & see the positive!
I’ve met many friends who are going through similar fertility situations. I feel like it is my responsibility to help them and to let them know that this journey may feel lonely, but you are anything but alone. You have people that love you & want you to be happy & be a mommy! Although they may never truly ‘understand’ your journey, they understand the disappointment in their own way. They may never have the right words (example: quit trying so hard, it’ll happen when it happens, relax, etc), but they are trying to love you through a hard time. I pray for each of my fertility friends. I REFUSE to use that stupid i-word. I pray that God will grant you the desires of your heart in His time. His time is truly perfect and that is probably the BEST lesson I have learned through all of this.